Updated: Oct 6, 2018
Dear future little one,
Almost two years ago I was faced with making one of the biggest decisions of my life: to marry Kyle or not. About a year before this I had a horrific experience of being physically hurt on a date by my date. I was trapped in a car, physically injured, and laughed at before I was allowed out of the car back into my apartment.
And I broke.
I had panic attacks every time I left my apartment. I couldn’t walk across campus without seeing someone who looked like him and breaking down into tears, skipping class to get myself under control. I filled out a police report and went to therapy for a few months. And it helped! But I still didn’t date. I COULDN’T date. Anytime I was alone with another guy I was completely and utterly overcome by a panic attack so intense that I went home and cried for hours.
Until I met Kyle.
Now this isn’t some sappy love letter about how amazing my husband is (although he’s practically perfect). It’s a letter about how even when everything seems to line up perfectly, big decisions are still huge and hard. And God doesn’t always lay his plan out for you.
Kyle was the first guy since that horrific date that I felt completely comfortable around. No panic attacks, no tears, just… comfort. It was like God was telling me “Hey! This guy is pretty neat! Pay attention to him!!” After dating for about 6 months we started talking about marriage (biggest DTR you’ll ever have in your life!) But even with that seemingly extra direction pointing me towards Kyle, I struggled to say yes. And here’s why:
I was waiting for God.
I kept waiting for Him to give me some kind of sign saying “Yes! Yes this is good! This is the right thing for you!” I wanted a big huge confirmation before I dedicated myself to someone for the rest of eternity. Forever is a really long time! And if there’s one thing in your life you absolutely want to get right, it’s who you’re going to spend the rest of it with. There are lots of moments in life where you wish God would just lay it all out for you and just tell you what to do. Wouldn’t life be so much simpler that way?! Then you’d never have to freak out about maybe possibly kinda sorta ruining your life. Kyle officially asking me to marry him resulted in almost a month of soul-searching, praying, and just plain freaking out. Well I never got that confirmation. I never got this overwhelming feeling of “rightness” when I would pray to God about it. I never felt “yes, this is what I’m supposed to do”.
Until 2 weeks after we got married.
I’ve learned that God doesn’t always come right out and tell you what He wants for you. He doesn’t guide our every single action, overtly steering us towards the good things in our life. He gives us the opportunity to decide for ourselves, and He trusts that we’ll do the right thing. Very rarely does God come out before you make a decision and say ” Yes, that one! Pick that one!”, but He always confirms to you afterwards how proud He is of you when you ultimately make the correct decision. And you will.
He trusts you! And rightly so! If the all-knowing, all-powerful, omniscient creator of the Universe believes in you and in your ability, then isn’t it about time you believed in yourself, too? He believes in you, I believe in you, and now it’s your turn.